How Jason’s Deli ruined my day.

Actually, they were all really, really nice, thoughtful, caring people who did their very best to soothe my bawling 3-yr old, but in the end, it just backfired on me.

I took the kids for two full hours of open gymnastics this morning to wear their little psychotic asses out. That was awesome. Then I decided to draw out the day a little more and knew everyone was hungry so we headed to Jason’s Deli. Everyone was in a good mood. We ordered our food and took our receipt & plastic table number with us. And then all hell broke loose.

My 3yr old escaped mental patient has a penchant for numbers. Numbers are everything. Today, he decided he didn’t like the table number we were given (32 in case you just have to know) . He wanted a number in the 100’s. As I carry him away screaming, I barely make it to the end of the counter line before three different staff have asked me if he needs a coloring book and crayons. I say ‘sure’ but I know that’s not going to appease the monster. I find a booth table. Another worker comes over to me and tells me to go grab some food from the salad bar for him, anything I want. Again, super sweet. Everyone is trying their best to make him happy and I finally explain what his problem is. Sure enough, they run off and come back with a glorious yellow number – 142. They hand it to him and he thinks it’s Christmas. We sit and have a great meal together. All good.

The manager comes over to us, to check how we are doing and I thank her for the attentiveness of everyone. Really, they were very good. But now I am thinking that the next time we go to Jason’s Deli,  he’s going to demand a specific number and Momma ain’t playin’ that game. I like Jason’s Deli too much to turn every visit into a dramatic affair. They’ve got such great food and the free ice cream is to die for. We’ve had a few near misses there regarding the numbers but I always prepare him that the numbers stay in the restaurant. They don’t come home with us, but I guess I hadn’t prepped my 5yr paroled mental patient because while the manager was talking to me, my daughter piped up, “Can we take this home?” My eyes shot wide open in disbelief and my jaw almost hit the floor.

I respond quickly that we cannot, it belongs to the restaurant, other people need the numbers,  yadda yadda yadda. I finally take a deep breath and relax when the manager says to her, “well, since you asked, then yes you can take it home.” Oh bloody hell. While the excitement is temporary for today, the battle for future visits has ratcheted up a few notches.

Five minutes later, the same manager comes back and says “we can’t have only him having a number,” and hands my daughter number 143. Oh.My.God. I get a sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach. I know what’s coming and it’s going to be bad. The same sense of doom one has when perhaps walking through land mines. My daughter is squealing with delight, kissing her number. Actually kissing and hugging it.

We leave, and I thank the manager again for her kindness. She was exceptionally kind, all the staff were. But I know that hell is around the corner. The ride home was delightful and I allowed myself a glimpse of hope that maybe this had all worked out. Maybe it wasn’t a disaster after all and that it was worth the crap I’m going to get from the illogical little beasts next time I go there.

But then we get home. And within an hour, my escapee decides that he wants 143, not 142 and the tantrum that ensued was epic. Twenty minutes later, the puffy faced, hyperventilating midget is not letting go of the notion that his number is 143, even though he was specifically given 142.  After he had calmed down, twenty years later, I explained that 143 was his sister’s number but that he could have a turn holding 143. The beast was assuaged but the stage had now been set for a whole afternoon of territorial battles and trying ever so hard to find each other’s buttons. Unfortunately, they succeeded. A lot.

Now that the afternoon has come to a close, neither child gives a flying crap about their number and I’m opening a beer. Lots of them.

Grocery Shopping with Young Children.

Secret truth.

Toddler Creed

1. When in doubt, brute force is the answer.
2. What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine. Anything I see is mine, even if I haven’t seen it yet.
3. Randomly yelling “NO!!” is therapeutic, even if someone wasn’t talking to you.
4. “No” is the answer for all questions. Always.
5. Mommy & Daddy can read minds.
6. Food is discretionary.  Have Mommy make a meal and only eat one bite.
7. Better yet, just look at the food. Don’t touch it.
8. No, no. Touch it by flinging it across the room. Watch it fly!!!
9. Or taste everything.
10. Then spit it out.
11. Then smear it all over the floor, the walls, clothes and TV. Woo-Hoo!
12. New toys are great, but only in someone else’s house. Once the same toy is at home, don’t play with it.
13. Call out for Mommy every 2 minutes. Even if you don’t need her. Just make sure she is there. Keeps her on her toes.
14. The second you see an adult close their eyes, jump on them.
15. Repetition is the key to getting what you want. Just keep asking. They’ll cave.
16. Sleep is unnecessary. Fight it all the way. Unless you are in the car for a really short journey. Then it’s perfect.
17. Getting dressed is a game. See how quickly Mommy will chase you.
18. Nothing gets their attention faster than poop.
19. Screaming is valid form of communication. The louder the better.
20. When all else fails, run.

Are you freaking kidding me??

I’m just looking at an article regarding the new school lunch requirements that have been put into place, effective this upcoming summer.  Here’s what I’m reading (full article here):

“The School Nutrition Association has asked Congress and USDA to only require that 50 percent of foods be whole grain-rich, to suspend the 2017 sodium requirements and to stop requiring students to take a fruit or vegetable.”

Frankly, I’m speechless. Sure sure, kids won’t want it to start with. Whatever. Kids also don’t want to go to bed at an appropriate time, or get dressed, or do homework, or etc. etc. etc. . .

Guess what a hungry child will do? Eat.  It may be rough to start with while kids adjust to less processed food, but to request that standards be lowered leaves me speechless and angry.

How about we stop trying to please children and do what’s best for them? How about schools stop worrying about sales dips? How about we start putting our children first, ahead of business needs and profit margins?

I don’t understand. Or actually, I do. I understand that the food industry has to change how their food is marketed to kids, how the ingredients have to become a little more healthy and that they can’t laden down all foods with salt and sugar to make it appealing to the underdeveloped taste buds. That puts a dampener on the industry’s activities and profits. Well too damn bad.

Stay tuned . . .